when is the right time...

... I asked myself this question when I woke up this morning....

I can't seem to let myself doze off last night. I was just there laying on my bed looking at a blank, empty background. My mind seem to have a total control of me that I keep on thinking about the board exam even if I don't want to. It led me to having butterflies in my stomach. At that moment, I have mixed emotions. Am not really excited but nervous, uneasy, panicky, above all I was... scareeeeeeeeeeeed!

I try to close my eyes and not think about the matter but it kept on popping out somewhere. arggh! I am striving my best not to talk, speak, THINK, nor feel regarding it. I don't even want to blog about this. I just want to remain compose over the whole exam thing. 

But on the other hand, everything is so intense right now. To be honest, I am very much apprehensive in taking the exam. Half of my mind wants to. Half of my heart feels the same. However, half of both are saying "not yet". "You're not prepared"...

If not now, when will I be prepared?

I've wasted alot of time trying to run away from it already. I always try to reason out or find alot of excuses to give to my parents or anyone who is forcing me to take it. Like - "I'm not yet prepared (see?!)" or "Need to study more." blah blah blah. But the truth is, I am not trying to make an excuse for everyone else, I just realize now that I am trying to reason out for myself. I am shielding myself from taking it because I am too weak to face the issue. 

I guess we can't always escape fom everything. There will always be a time when we all have to face our selves and  battle our own fears which is so effin the hardest part to do. 

My mom told me the other day, "anak, try your very best to pass it..." how can I disappoint my mom again? I confess that my family is experiencing a huge turmoil right now. My mom, is the only one who sustains my energy for me to keep pressing on with the board exam. Even if I can't go on any longer I still try to squeeze out any strength or positivity in me just to not give up. And it really breaks my heart to see her  suffer and yet I can't do anything to help her.

So yeah I am in a state of calamity lol. It's hard to surpass it because I'm fighting for something that I don't know if I'm gonna win or not. But I'd still wann give it a go. Whatever happens the important thing is, this time I didn't back down from it. I know I only got one month to review everything. I'm not even sure if I can finish reviewing all the topics I needed to study. But there's one thing I'm sure of. This time I am not alone. I have God by my side and I know he'll guide me through this battle. 

AJA RUBY!!! AJA!