Mama, You know I love You!

"....it would take a lifetime for us to be okay because we will forever miss you,"
- Kris Aquino

I guess that sums up what I'm feeling until now....

Cory Aquino and my beloved aunt had ONE thing in common. And when I say one it is literally ONE. Cory Aquino died August 1,while my aunt died July 1. And they both died because of cancer. Cory to colon CA while my aunt to ovarian CA. Well, make that two.

Anyways, I am too saddened by what the circumstances has brought us. Everything still hasn't sink in to me. My aunts death has caused so much grievances to me and my family. We weren't exactly prepared for her departure. Infact we were never CLOSE to thinking about it. It never even crossed our minds.

My aunt may not be my real mom. But for me she is my second mom. She never did her job of caring for us out of obligation or responsibility. She did it because she loves us and that she's happy doing it. You will never hear her grumble or say bad things about how much she's done for us. No matter how tired she was, she's still doing her part as our MOMMY NENENG.

Before 2008 ends, we attended alot of functions together. Like, attending the Manny Villar Seminar every Saturday in Starmall. Her accompanying me to my driving lessons. Her teaching me how to cook Relyenong Bangus so I can cook for my dad when he's here and make it by myself. And more importantly, she has always been there for every occasion on our lives- birthdays, Christmas, New year. She was our chef. And I must say everything she prepare on our table were so damn delish! Saying that, got me thinking, what will happen to our Christmas this year and how can we welcome 2010 now that she's gone?

We greeted 2009 with full of happiness and smiles. Our new year with her for this year was for me the BEST so far. Little did we know that it will be our last.

Her sickness started with just a simple cough. She never complained about it. But we noticed that it got worser and worser. Her x-ray shows, that fluids had already accumulated her lungs. Her doctor had just given her a medication to remove it. But there was no use for her to continue those meds. She was still coughing and coughing and coughing. At the same time, her abdomen was getting bloated. So we asked for a second opinion. This time to a general surgery practitioner but they had to transfer her to OB for further check up. No doctor can really tell what her condition was all about. She had gone through major laboratory exams and CT scan. They said there was a cyst inside her. But still, there was no true diagnosis. I was in doubt already. I just kept my silence. When the doctors cut her open for her operation, they just gave up because according to them "her cyst had grew in a very disagreeable manner" so they just took a sample for biopsy.

The result of that biopsy had cleared what was on my mind. It was POSITIVE. She had a Stage 3 Ovarian cancer. It was really a shocking truth for my family. One of the doctors had said that she might live for a maximum of 6 months and that we should give her our full love and support. It was so hard to accept. We didn't tell her about her situation at first.

One day, while we were both watching t.v., she suddenly blurted out:
" Bing, Stage 3 na pala ako..."

I was in a total blank. Turned out she was holding all her hospital documents. She found it somewhere. I kept my cool and said nothing.

But despite the caring we did for her, I am living my now with so much shame and full of regret. Because while she was in bed fighting for her life, I had said some bad things and treated her ugly at times out of stress and pressure.

How can I say sorry to her now that she's gone? How can I give her my hugs and kisses? How can I say I Love You to her? More so say THANK YOU for all that she has contributed in our family especially to me. How can I accept the fact that she's gone? When, it's the last thing I want for someone who has impacted so much and has been a part of my life.

Truly, Kris was right. It will really take a lifetime for me to be okay because I will forever miss her...

I won't say good bye. Nor forget about her. I will not let her go. But I will move on. I don't know how, but I know she and God will help me find a way.

I Love you Mommy Neneng!
Please guide us still even if you're in heaven.
You now can be eternally happy with God.....