Failure

You know what hurt’s so much? It’s when our parents tell us something so hurtful it eats us alive. Yet they didn’t know the words they said is already killing us inside.

I don’t know if it’s the alcohol talking or my dad meant what he said last night.

Papa: Bakit ang mga babae failure? (talking about me and my sister who’s suffering from depression)

Me: Paano naman kita nafail? (how did I fail you?)

Papa: Hindi ka nag-medicine. Pina-usapan na natin un dati pa lang eh. (You did not take medicine/doctorate. We talked about this already for along time.)

I was guilty. I felt bad. I kept my cool instead than reacting over it.

In my mind I thought, “Is it really that important to please what my parents wanted even if it’s not what my heart is set on?” “Am I really a failure?” “Did I really failed the 2 person I love more than my life who also expected so much of me?”

That issue has been a long debate between me and him. I fought for what I wanted. But he won. For awhile. Because I did took a pre-med course in the end. But I got fed up along the way and too many troubles, problems and hassles blended in.

I know he only wanted what’s best for me. Infact, I am grateful that I have a father who would do anything to place his children in high pedestal. Because Doctors do have high compensation.

But after the “Ondoy” incident, I realized that life is not all about money and material things.

He that loveth silver shall not be satisfied with silver; nor he that loveth abundance with increase: this is also vanity.

-Ecclesiates 5:10

What if I become a doctor. Then I become intoxicated with the life of it. I got so busy earning too much money, saving for that huge dream house that I’ve been wanting all along or for that car I wanna drive so bad that I tend to forgot about God and his essence.

Then another “Ondoy” happened. Washes everything off in just a flick of a finger. What will happen then?

Living a simple life right now, even though I still don’t have a job is much more peaceful.  I am more inlove with my life now. Much more grateful to God actually. Learning so much about him each day of my life is more precious than any material in this world.

I can only speak of myself. I just wish that God will lead the way and make a way for me to make my father become aware that I am not made to be a doctor and let him accept that I have other purpose to take.